We recently bought a house in Virginia and have been chipping away at unpacking. This weekend I found an old journal that I sporadically used in late 2018 and early 2019. If I’m being honest, it was raw and uncomfortable for me to read. The pages are filled with ugly moments, me trying to make sense of what was happening in my marriage, feelings of shame, and self-doubt. Moments of treatment related struggles and milestones. As I continued to read, I noticed a common thread. Underneath all of the ugly, I was writing down what my hope for the future was. I shared a bit with Johnny and we both couldn’t help but pause for a moment. I’ll share it with you too:
I’m a newb, but let’s give this a go –
I am grateful for the sun today! I’m grateful for another day on this earth and more time with my Milo. I’m grateful for friendships and seeing my friends become Mommas.
This week I want to live life to the fullest. Try new things, be brave, and be bold! I want to pay off my debt $$, meet a kind beautiful soul, forgive my heart so I can be less shameful/embarrassed of my past, and move to Washington, D.C. and help change lives and give back to this world while I can.
Universe, can you help me with this? I would be so grateful for a sign or some sense of clarity.
xxo – Em
God, I am so weird. Why did I feel the need to sign my own journal post? In that moment, I was not confident that I could do any of those things. Honestly, nothing was a guarantee at that point. I probably wasn’t even sure if I was going to get dressed out of my donut onesie that day (yes, I basically lived in that thing for a year and yes, I do still have it).
What is sort of amazing, is that I’m in the process of doing every single one of these things today. It didn’t happen overnight, but bit by bit I picked up the pieces and so will you. One moment at a time.